Incoming!

They came from Florida, from Fox News and Fox Business, square-jawed men and women with big hair and collagen lips.

They came from professional football and World Wrestling Entertainment.

They came from daytime talk shows and reality television.

They were ‘straight out of central casting’, as the future president said.

Some of the women resembled his daughter and some of the women resembled his wife. None of the men resembled him.

A squad of them came with the future president to Madison Square Garden to watch Ultimate Fighting matches.

The future secretary of defence is adorned with the white supremacist tattoos of a Jerusalem cross, the Crusader rallying cry ‘Deus vult’ and an AR-15 assault rifle flanking an American flag.

The future secretary of homeland security once shot her hunting dog, Cricket, in a gravel pit because it couldn’t hunt, then shot her pet goat because it was getting old and ‘nasty’.

The future secretary of health and human services once cut off the head of a beached whale with a chainsaw, put it on the roof of his car and drove home. He brags that he has a freezer full of roadkill.

Less than half of all voters voted for the future president, but his team declared it a ‘landslide’, a ‘mandate’ to ‘drain the swamp’ and shake up the capital.

The future White House communications director calls the opposition ‘snowflakes’ whose ‘sad, miserable existence will be crushed’ when the future president returns to power.

The future director of the FBI promises a ‘government gangsters manhunt’ and revenge against disloyal journalists.

The future director of the Federal Communications Commission threatens to penalise television networks that criticise the future president.

They vow mass firings and the deportation of millions.

They vow to cut two trillion dollars from the federal budget – five times the combined annual salaries of all federal employees.

They vow an end to ‘wokeness’ in all its imagined forms and the return of American greatness.

But they have no connection to the work they will manage, or no experience in the work they will manage, or no experience managing large bureaucracies like the bureaucracies they will manage.

The future secretary of commerce is a billionaire.

The future secretary of the treasury is a billionaire.

The future secretary of the interior is a billionaire.

The future secretary of education is a billionaire.

The future special envoy to the Middle East is a billionaire.

The future director of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (Nasa) is a billionaire.

The future surgeon general, a Fox News regular, and the future administrator of Medicare and Medicaid, a daytime television host, sell dubious health and weight loss supplements online.

The future director of the FBI promotes a supplement to reverse the effects of the Covid vaccine.

The future deputy assistant to the president and senior director for counterterrorism is the spokesman for a fish oil supplement.

The future secretary of homeland security stars in an infomercial for a cosmetic dentistry business, in which she exclaims: ‘I love my new family at Smile Texas!’

The future secretary of education is opposed to the Department of Education. The co-founder of World Wrestling Entertainment, she donated $21 million to the future president’s campaign. She is currently being sued for enabling the sexual abuse of children recruited to be ‘ring boys’ at wrestling events.

The future administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency opposes clean air and clean water legislation and does not believe the climate of the world is changing.

The future secretary of energy, the head of a fracking company, insists that ‘there is no climate crisis and we’re not in the midst of an energy transition either.’

The future secretary of health and human services and the future director of the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention believe that vaccines cause autism.

The future commissioner of the Federal Drug Administration, a Fox News regular, and the future director of the National Institutes of Health do not believe that vaccinations cause autism, but opposed mass vaccinations for Covid.

The future secretary of health and human services has promised to fire six hundred employees at the National Institutes of Health to shift its focus from infectious diseases to healthy diets. He is opposed to the fluoridation of water and the pasteurisation of milk and believes that horse deworming pills are more effective against Covid than vaccination.

The future attorney general, a Fox News regular, was part of the future president’s legal team in his first impeachment trial. As attorney general of Florida, she defended the banning of same-sex marriage and sued to overturn the Affordable Care Act’s prohibition against denying insurance to people with pre-existing conditions. She dropped a fraud case against the future president’s online university after receiving a donation from him, and once persuaded the governor of Florida to delay an execution because it conflicted with her fundraising event. She was active in the denial of the 2020 election results and was a registered lobbyist for Qatar.

The future deputy attorney general, the future US solicitor general and the future principal associate deputy attorney general were all part of the future president’s legal team in his recent court cases. The team will now continue as the Department of Justice.

The future US solicitor general, defending the future president before the Supreme Court, stated that there are cases where it would be legal for a president to assassinate a domestic political rival.

The future director of the CIA is best known for promoting conspiracy theories and releasing false information in defence of the future president in his various scandals. He said that there is a ‘secret society’ within the Department of Justice and the FBI ‘working against’ the future president.

The future director of the FBI wants to turn its Washington headquarters into a museum of the horrors of the deep state.

The future director of national intelligence, a Fox News regular, is known as ‘our girlfriend’ when she appears on Russian television expressing support for Putin and Bashar al-Assad and condemning Nato. She was raised in, and is still connected to, the Science of Identity Foundation, a Hinduism-derived cult, known for its Islamophobia and homophobia, whose leader lives in a house covered in tin foil.

The future deputy assistant to the president and senior director for counterterrorism is a former Fox News regular and is banned from YouTube. He believes that violence is intrinsic to Islam. He wears the medal of the neo-Nazi Hungarian Order of Vitéz and was a supporter of the Magyar Gárda, a paramilitary group.

The future secretary of the navy has never been in the military, but he raised $12 million for the future president’s campaign at an event at his home in Aspen, where the future president warned that this ‘could be the last election we ever have’ if the ‘radical left-wing lunatics’ win.

The future ambassador to Israel is a Baptist minister and former Fox News host. He has said ‘there’s really no such thing as a Palestinian.’

The future senior adviser on Arab and Middle Eastern affairs is the father-in-law of the future president’s daughter.

The future special envoy to the Middle East is a frequent golf partner of the future president and has donated almost $2 million to his campaigns. He has close ties to Qatar.

The future ambassador to France, the father-in-law of another daughter of the future president, also donated $2 million to the campaign. He spent two years in prison for a number of offences, including hiring a prostitute to seduce and videotape his brother-in-law, who was going to testify against him. He will live in the luxurious Hôtel de Pontalba in Paris.

The future ambassador to Greece is the presumably now former girlfriend of the son of the future president. On the day of her nomination, the tabloids revealed that the son had found a new companion.

The future national security adviser, a Fox News regular, opposes further aid to Ukraine, but supports sending troops into Mexico to fight the drug cartels.

The future special envoy to Ukraine and Russia, a Fox News regular, has warned against putting ‘the idealistic agendas of the global elite ahead of a working relationship with Russia’.

The future secretary of state is the author of Decades of Decadence: How Our Spoiled Elites Blew America’s Inheritance of Liberty, Security and Prosperity.

The future secretary of homeland security, the governor of South Dakota, is prohibited by the state’s nine tribes from entering Native land. During the Covid epidemic, she was opposed to all forms of protection, including masks and vaccination mandates. She is opposed to abortion under any circumstances, IVF, stem cell research, the Affordable Care Act, Medicaid, high-speed rail, estate taxes, same-sex marriage and any form of gun control. During the last campaign, she presented the future president with a $1100 bust of Mount Rushmore, with his face carved next to those of Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Roosevelt.

The future secretary of commerce personally donated $10 million to – and raised an additional $75 million for – the future president’s campaign. He believes we can ‘make America great again’ by returning to 1900, when there were high tariffs and no income tax.

The future secretary of transportation, a Fox Business host and former reality TV star, supported the ban on Muslims, and as a congressman introduced legislation to end endangered species protections for grey wolves.

The future secretary of housing and urban development is a former professional football player, a former member of the Texas state legislature, the former chief inspiration officer of a software company, the former chief visionary officer of a property developer and the former owner of a men’s clothing business. He is the only Black person on the future president’s team.

The future secretary of agriculture promotes fossil fuels and campaigns against wind and solar energy. She does not believe in climate change. She is the CEO of the America First Policy Institute, the source of a dozen members of the future presidential team and its ideological foundation. AFPI has already drafted some three hundred executive orders for the future president to sign on his first day in office.

The future director of the Office of Management and Budget has written that ‘Muslims do not simply have a deficient theology. They do not know God because they have rejected Jesus Christ His Son, and they stand condemned.’ He is the founder of the Centre for Renewing America, which is largely devoted to combating ‘critical race theory’ and ‘wokeness’. He wants to gut the FBI, eliminate the Environmental Protection Agency, fire tens of thousands of civil service employees for insufficient loyalty to the future president, deploy the military against protesters and institute a Christian-based ‘radical constitutionalism’ that will give more power to the future president.

The future White House deputy chief of staff for policy and homeland security adviser is allied with various white supremacist groups and is the most rabidly anti-immigrant member of the team. He believes ‘America is for Americans and Americans only,’ which means banning, among others, Muslims, refugees and university students from China, as well as deporting eleven million undocumented migrants. He was the architect of the policy of separating migrant children from their parents, and was seen gloating over photographs of children in cages. He has said that the Emma Lazarus poem (‘Give me your tired, your poor,/Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free’) at the base of the Statue of Liberty was a later ‘woke’ addition that has nothing to do with American liberty. He considers the future president ‘a political genius’.

The future border tsar, a Fox News regular, implemented the family separation policy during the future president’s previous administration. He has initiated a project called ‘Defend the Border and Save Lives’ in collaboration with an anti-Muslim group, the United West. He has said: ‘I will run the biggest deportation force this country has ever seen. They ain’t seen shit yet. Wait until 2025.’

The future secretary of defence, a Fox News host, has called for an ‘American crusade’, ‘a holy war for the righteous cause of human freedom’, because the ‘irreconcilable differences between the left and the right in America … cannot be resolved through the political process’. He claims there is a ‘cultural Marxist revolution ripping through the Pentagon’, epitomised by the US military slogan ‘Our diversity is our strength,’ which he says is the ‘dumbest phrase on planet Earth’. He warns that the invasion of Ukraine ‘pales in comparison’ to the threat of ‘wokeness’, for ‘this unholy alliance of political ideologues and Pentagon pussies has left our warriors without real defenders in Washington.’ ‘The next president of the United States needs to fire them all.’ He is opposed to Nato and the United Nations. He is known for drunken displays in which he rants against Muslims. Accused of rape, he paid the victim to remain silent. His mother once sent him an email saying that he is ‘despicable and abusive’ and asked: ‘Is there any sense of decency left in you?’

The future White House deputy chief of staff for policy and homeland security adviser wrote in a speech for the future president that ‘the fundamental question of our time is whether the West has the will to survive … Do we have the desire and the courage to preserve our civilisation in the face of those who would subvert and destroy it?’

The future president is currently selling caps, wrapping paper, blankets, football jerseys, boat flags, pickleball paddles, necklaces, earrings, silk ties, chopping boards, Christmas decorations, slippers, tie clips, door mats, aprons, pyjamas, socks, Advent calendars, Christmas stockings, mugs, keychains, sweatshirts, note cards, bracelets, scented candles, beach bags, flip-flops, bathrobes, towels, sunglasses, corkscrews, water bottles, stickers, jogging pants, wine and champagne glasses, earbuds, hoodies, jelly beans, cookies, chocolates, honey, jewellery boxes, whiskey decanters, trays, wallets, flasks, wines, coasters, umbrellas, golf bags, plates, ashtrays, sports bras and dog leashes – all with his name on them.

Also available are a $100,000 gold watch, a $11,000 autographed guitar, digital trading card NFTs featuring the future president in heroic historic tableaux, God Bless the USA Bibles, Never Surrender High-Top Sneakers, Fight Fight Fight Cologne for Men (‘For patriots who never back down’) and a celebratory Victory Cologne, which comes in a bottle in the shape of the future president’s head.

The future secretary of state had previously called the future president a ‘con artist’, a ‘Third World strongman’, ‘the most vulgar person to ever aspire to the presidency’, ‘a person that has no ideas of any substance’ and a ‘guy with the worst spray tan in America’ who wets his pants. He now says: ‘I didn’t know him as a person.’

13 December