Dear Who Gives a C**p

Dear Who Gives a C**p,

Thank you for the recent shipment, which arrived promptly. I’m glad to have it. I feel good about using recycled toilet paper, even if it does not always tear off the roll neatly and is a little coarse, though we quickly got used to that and may even come to like it. In any case, I would rather suffer a slight discomfort than be complicit in the felling of old-growth trees in Canadian boreal forests merely in order to enjoy virgin toilet paper that is softer and tears more neatly. I also appreciate what you are doing to help supply toilets to people around the world who don’t have them.

But may I make one request? The first shipment you sent – our first order – came in an ‘anonymous’ cardboard box, which I preferred. The latest shipment had your company name on it. I find that a little awkward. The name may be amusing to some people, and I don’t mind it – or not very much – but it’s frankly embarrassing to display in the neighbourhood where I live, and it’s certainly not language I would use myself. In fact, the language does seem problematic to me, since it is rude and expresses (though I know you intend it tongue-in-cheek) an attitude of brutal indifference that is all too actually pervasive in the times we are living in. I am sure you will not change your company name, but could you please offer the option of shipping your product in an unidentified box?

Also, we like the individual wrapping of the toilet rolls, striped and polka-dotted and in such nice pastel colours. Opening the carton is like opening a box full of gifts. But if you didn’t print your company name right in the middle of the paper, we could reuse it for wrapping small presents, even though it would be a little wrinkled since we are opposed on principle to ironing. Wouldn’t that fit better with your idea of reusing and recycling paper rather than buying single-use gift wrap? Please consider putting your name in the corner of the wrap, or off to the side. Thank you.

Sincerely.